Preceptions

Do you ever wonder what others think of you? How do they perceive you? Is it the same way you think and perceive yourself?

At times, I think of myself as weak. You could ask anyone in my life, and they would tell you that they think I am mentally strong. My husband, my friends, my family, they would all say the same thing. Sure, I can do things I don't like and I can tough them out, but what people don't see is the mental battle. I have to battle things out in my mind so often. There have been so many times when I have wanted to quit something, when I just didn't want to face reality and mentally it was a big struggle to deal with stuff. When I think of a person of strength, I feel like they would never have the thoughts of caving in, of giving up, of letting go.

I remember growing up and going through some hard times, and I would look at my dogs, and wish that I had been born an animal so that I would not have to go through tough time. Its funny that I remember this, because whenever something hard would come up, I would sit there and wish that I wouldn't have to do it.

I was about to lie and write that I didn't know where this was coming from, but the truth is I know the root of this. I started a new job today. I am working in a corporate office in a high rise building, and today was hard. There was so much new stuff thrown at me, and so much information, and I realized very quickly how much I don't know. When I left for lunch, I walked away questioning my ability to do this job. Do I have what it takes? Can I do this?
Then, the really stupid part of me realized that I will no longer have a week off for Thanksgiving, or 3 weeks off for Christmas, or Spring Break like I did when I was a teacher. And I found myself longing for the classroom. Longing for the comfort of my warm safe haven where I knew what to do and how to do it. And I spent the day questioning my decision to take this position.
And for a brief second I found myself gazing at my dog and...well, you know.