Thursday, July 14, 2011

Preceptions

Do you ever wonder what others think of you? How do they perceive you? Is it the same way you think and perceive yourself?

At times, I think of myself as weak. You could ask anyone in my life, and they would tell you that they think I am mentally strong. My husband, my friends, my family, they would all say the same thing. Sure, I can do things I don't like and I can tough them out, but what people don't see is the mental battle. I have to battle things out in my mind so often. There have been so many times when I have wanted to quit something, when I just didn't want to face reality and mentally it was a big struggle to deal with stuff. When I think of a person of strength, I feel like they would never have the thoughts of caving in, of giving up, of letting go.

I remember growing up and going through some hard times, and I would look at my dogs, and wish that I had been born an animal so that I would not have to go through tough time. Its funny that I remember this, because whenever something hard would come up, I would sit there and wish that I wouldn't have to do it.

I was about to lie and write that I didn't know where this was coming from, but the truth is I know the root of this. I started a new job today. I am working in a corporate office in a high rise building, and today was hard. There was so much new stuff thrown at me, and so much information, and I realized very quickly how much I don't know. When I left for lunch, I walked away questioning my ability to do this job. Do I have what it takes? Can I do this?
Then, the really stupid part of me realized that I will no longer have a week off for Thanksgiving, or 3 weeks off for Christmas, or Spring Break like I did when I was a teacher. And I found myself longing for the classroom. Longing for the comfort of my warm safe haven where I knew what to do and how to do it. And I spent the day questioning my decision to take this position.
And for a brief second I found myself gazing at my dog and...well, you know.

2 comments:

Denise said...

well. this is a tough one. From what I *know* about you - I can't see you working in a corporate office. Please don't tell me you wore high heels :)

Maybe this job is just a stepping stone. Money in the bank until you find something that really screams you.

Maybe you should take the dog out for a run.

Brooke said...

actually i think its battling those "i don't wanna"s that mean you're tougher. how tough is it to do something is easy enough you don't want to quit?

strength is what you've done (and will do in this case) starring it down, wishing it away, then tackling/overcoming it any way!