I pride myself on being in control. I find comfort in the controllable. I can control my attitude, I can control my to do lists, I can control how I react to situations. I like to be in control of my being, and the things around me.
When things happen that I cannot control, I suddenly feel very small, vulnerable and scared. There is nothing like an event that is uncontrollable to make you feel like your world has come crashing down.
Last week my dad had a heart attack. When I found out, I sat straight up in bed, and started asking questions, I immediately got my Ipad out started researching heart attacks. I wanted to know causes, triggers, how to treat them, how to recover from them, how to eat after a heart attack.
When I found out, I was stunned to say the least. I cried a lot, read a lot, prayed a lot, and forced myself to dwell upon some unpleasant realities. I think I shrunk about three inches. So often, we walk around as if we are invincible, well, at least I do. But then, when you get news like that, the shield of invincibility falls, and you are left standing there like a knight without armor. I don't think you can ever really brace yourself for a hit like that, a sucker punch to the gut. All you can do is take in the news, and process. There is no amount of list making, house cleaning, mile running, or organizing that can take away that pain.
It is weird to me to live in a world where my parents are older, and no longer the super hero's of my youth. The ones that could lift heavy things, endure all kinds of pain, and push and push and push to the point of exhaustion. They can't do that kind of stuff any more, and its scary.
Fortunately, my dad only had a mild heart attack, and he is going to be fine. But that has not stopped the tears from flowing. For someone who has control of herself, the tears have been right behind the surface, and have come out in soft cries in the middle of the day, to huge sobs in bed in the middle of the night. I am a woman who does not have control of this situation, and there is nothing I can do to change this reality. I have to accept, pray, and try and move forward.