It is time to rebuild.
My running has been, terrible. I don't remember the last time I had a great run---at this point, I would even take a good run.
I seriously don't even remember the last time that I came home from a run and thought--those miles felt good, they flew by. My weekly mileage has been decent--not great. I am averaging between 20-25 miles a week.
I was really frustrated with myself this weekend on my runs, so I made a decision that I would start from scratch. Running is so mental, and I often think that it it more mental for me than many others.
Growing up playing soccer, I always had to run. Every single time I messed up, or a teammate messed up, our punishment was running. In college, I played at a Division 1 school, and it was the same story just at a higher level. Every time someone was a minute late to practice or a team event, it was a 50 yard sprint for each minute. Don't make me go back to the time when a freshman was 30 minutes late to team dinner because she went to her dorm to shower. The next day after practice we got to run 30 50 yards sprints.
Sometimes, the fact that I have run multiple marathons amazes me. Again, so much about running is mental, and right now, I am losing that mental battle.
Sure, I have had some physical setbacks that have hurt my running. Namely, the gigantic planters wart that has grown on the ball of my foot. I have had it cut out twice, because it keeps coming back. I had it removed in December, and its already back, and it is o so painful. (Please don't be intimated by my sexy talk of warts.) My visits to the podiatrist have gone something like this:
Me: Why do these keep coming back?
Dr: I don't know
Me: What can we do to keep them from coming back?
Dr: Cut it out
Me: How long will it take to heal?
Dr: About a week.
Me: Ok lets do it.
During the cutting process (Again, with all the sexiness) each doctor has felt obligated to talk inform me that if I had been more careful sexually, I might not have contracted this virus that causes warts.
Me: Um, doc, I have had these since I was a small child
Doc: O, well some people are just born with the virus that causes this.
After each procedure, it took nearly 3 weeks not 1 to heal, and almost always hurts.
And now, its back again, and flippin huge. And it hurts with every single step. I have used that pain as an excuse to stop running and walk for a bit.
This morning, I ran 3 miles. I told myself I could go as slow as I wanted, but I was not going to stop. I ran 3 miles in 28:00 minutes, and that was the very best I could do. A few months ago I was running the sames distance in about 24:00 minutes with no problem. I ran without music, which is something I never do, and I hated hearing myself breath and struggle, but I really needed to tune into my body.
Yes, I had a ton of excuses for running that slowly. My foot hurt, it was already 80 degrees, the humidity was really high, the wind was blowing really hard. But I kept going, even when my legs felt like lead. I kept running, kept struggling, and came home a sweaty mess.
This week is going to be all about the short distances for me. Its going to be about reconnecting with my body. Listening to my body, and defeating that little whisper of doubt telling me I can't do it, I can't go faster, I can't go farther.
Its time to put the doubt monster to bed.