Saturday, September 21, 2013
Can you be a loner without being lonely? Can you enjoy people but need time away, time for quite, time for peace, time for just being?
Often, when we have a social obligation with friends, I find that I dread it. I don't look forward to it, and I start fixating on all the things I would rather be doing. Once I get to the party, lunch, or event, I usually have a great time, but its the dreading that I question. Its the longing to be alone, at my home that often makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me.
I have a friend who says she has social anxiety, but in reverse. She becomes anxious if she knows people are doing something fun without her, and cannot stand to be away from the group.
I find that exhausting.
I always want to be around P, thats a given. But, I get such joy by being at home. Piddling around the house, doing laundry, watching football, listening to music, cleaning, organizing my stockpile, blogging, or reading; these are things that I like to do, and want to do more of.
We have never been ones to eat an fancy restaurants, or go to bars and clubs. We live a very simple life, a life that others may view as boring, but to me, I consider quaint.
Thomas Jefferson once said" I would rather be shut up in a very modest cottage with my books, my family, and a few old friends, dining on simple bacon, and letting the world roll on as it liked, than to occupy the most splendid post which any human power can give."
I completely agree with him. I rarely have the urge to go out, I almost always have the urge to stay in.
But then again, he is a man who became president, and the man who said, "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants."
So, I don't know how reliable a source ol' Tommy boy is.
I have always been the type to have a few really close relationships with a small group, and several acquaintance, rather than have a large group of friends. I find comfort in the small intimate groups, where relationships grow deep, and have long histories. I find humor in the old inside jokes, and telling of stories.
Is one better or worse, I don't know. I do know that I find strength, joy, and energy from stillness, simpleness, and silence. I find comfort in being in my home surrounded by my things. I am energized by a good book, or a brilliant blog post.
It seems to me that I need to be at peace with who I am and how I was made.
Peace seeker, or party goer? Which are you?