Last Christmas

This Christmas week, has been very merry indeed. Its been filled with family, friends, food, laughter, presents and love. But, its also been bitter sweet.

I've spent nearly 30 Christmas' in this home, and this year is the last one I ever will. My parents are retiring in 2015, and they are moving to another town to be closer to family, which is wonderful and exciting. But these past few days, as we've helped my parents clean out the attic and sort through the stuff, there have been moments where I felt nearly paralyzed with sadness as I was overcome with memories and emotions. 

My parents close on their new house on January 9th, but won't retire until the summer. But, that weekend in January, they plan to begin moving things to their new house each month, to make the final move easier. The next time I step foot in this home, there will not be a bed in my room, or things in my closet. The end is very near. 

Last night, Christmas eve, we went to our final Christmas service at church. The church were I was baptized, where I met Jesus, and went to Sunday school. The church where I made friends, played on the lawn, spent countless hours. During our final song, I stood quietly looking at the alter, taking it all in, just wanting to remember the church, because its been exactly the same since I was a child. 

And last night, I woke up after everyone went to bed, and wondered the quite rooms of this house.  A lot of life happened between these four walls. Good things and bad. Memories and moments that we treasure, and a million others that we have long since forgotten. Dreams came true, hearts were broken, fights and make up's occurred. First kisses, slow dances, parties. They all happened here. It is just a house, just brick and drywall, but somewhere along the way, it became home. A refuge from the storm, a place where love always prevailed. 

We leave tomorrow afternoon to head back to Dallas. So this, my final night, in my home before everything changes, before everything is different, before normal is no more, I will take a moment to thank this house. Thank it for always being warm and inviting. For always keeping me safe from the storm, and for being more than just a house. 

In these last few hours and days of the only "normal" I've ever known, I'm reminded of the quote by Steven Rogers. "Beginnings are usually scary, endings are usually sad, but its whats in the middle that counts. So when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will."

You Never Know

I don't talk about work much here on the old blog, but I really enjoy my job. I am in commercial real estate, and I manage a portfolio worth hundreds of millions of dollars. My job is is control expenses, manage a team, budgeting, keep operating systems functioning, ensure the assets look beautiful at all times, and many many other things. Its a high stress job, with lots of responsibilities, but I do enjoy it.

Sometimes, when things get really busy, I go to a place where I am not leading with love and kindness, rather, I am legalistic, demanding, and task oriented.

Given that I office at one of my assets, I see anything and everything wrong with the building. (Much to the chagrin of my team).  One thing that angers me is smokers who through their butts in the grass or in the flower beds rather than the ash trays. It is something that annoys me to no end, and I look for them every time I am outside.

For the past few weeks, there I noticed a gentleman at the building who rarely used the ash tray's. He threw his used butts in the drive way, in the grass, and in the flower beds that I paid thousands of dollars to install, and pay hundreds of dollars and month to upkeep. I watched him do this time and time again, and each time, I became more and more angry.

I sent memo's out to the entire building reminding them of the smoking policy and procedure. I emailed him company directly asking them to be cognizant of this, and still nothing changed. At one point, I went and picked up one of his used cigarette butts, put it in an plastic bag, and was ready to march up to his office and let him know he left something behind.

But then, I spoke with a man on my team who knew his story. It turns out, this man had been living in a hotel for the past 3 months. He wears the same clothes all week, because he does not have anything else to wear. He does not have a car, so he walks to work every day. Currently, he is going through a nasty divorce, and his wife cleaned out the bank account, locked him out of the house, and left him with almost nothing.

After hearing that, my heart dropped to my stomach. Was he doing something wrong? Yes. Was it making me mad? Yes. Had I stopped for moment to consider him and his situation? No.

Does he need to stop throwing those cigarette butts all over my property? Yes. Does he need to be dealt with? Yes.

But, I was reminded in that moment, that attitude begets attitude. Problems escalate, people get mad, upset, and hurt feelings when they perceive they have been wronged.

The problem with my situation was not my smoker friend, it was me. It was my attitude toward him and my approach to the problem. If I want a positive outcome, perhaps it would be better for me to tone down my attitude and lead with kindness rather than bitchiness.

Ultimately, it was more about me than him. I need to stop and think about others, not just myself. I have to think about how I want to hear news and information. Getting mad is easy, managing that anger, presenting it in a way that is more appealing is the challenge.

You never know what someone is going through. We have the choice to be a blessing or a curse to people. We can be the reason they smile that day, the reason they laugh, or the reason they feel even a glimmer of hope. We can build up rather than tear down. We can be the change we want to see.

Contemplation

By nature, I am not normally very contemplative.

I don't spend a ton of time thinking about the day's gone by or yearning for yesteryear. At times, I could probably even be accused of being some what flippant. It is not hard for me to let things go, or shut things off.

However, on Sunday, I found myself laying in the afternoon sun on our deck thinking about years gone by. Yearning to go back in time, and grab the girl I once was and hug her, and whisper truth in her ear. I was yearning for friendship lost, for experiences never taken, and for mistakes that were made.

All of this was brought on by seeing someone I have not seen in 7 years. Someone whom I've always loved, but walked out of my life 15 years ago. Someone who cut the cord, and didn't make me a priority for a long time. That someone is my brother.

 Because he was my older brother, I idolized him. I wanted to be his best friend, and would do anything for him. He gave me my first sip of beer, let me drive his truck around the neighborhood when I was just 13 and my parents weren't home. He took me to my first high school party. He took me shopping with his money and bought me a pair of boots I wanted that my parents would not get for me because they were too expensive. He was a great older brother.

15 years ago, he was in college at Texas A&M, studying Economics, and seemed to have everything going for him. He was smart, funny, and had a ton of friends. Everything was going according to plan.

Then, one day, he called home and told my mom he was dropping out of school. He came home dropped off all his possessions, and walked out of our lives. He spent the past 15 years living in 7 different countries, working on and off, studying, and becoming fluent in several different languages. He has been a bit of a bohemian for the past decade. During that time, he would write a few letters a year, and call to check in maybe once a month at most.

For those left behind, it was almost like dealing with a death. We mourned, we missed him, we were angry, we accepted, and we grew, and we changed. We had to. It was almost like my brother leaving made my parents and I cling to each other that much more.

2 years ago, my brother came home, a decision that he never fully explained. He stayed at my parents house for a few weeks, and decided that he wanted to finish school and stay in the States. During the past 2 years, we have talked on the phone a handful of times, but have never seen each other until this past weekend.

For the long 4th of July weekend, P and I drove down to central Texas to spend the long weekend with my side of the family. To say I was nervous and didn't know what to expect would be an understatement. When he walked through the door on Friday afternoon, the moment was exciting, surreal, and uncomfortable. I didn't quite know how to act or what to say.

The weekend flew by, and he had a lot of fun. We talked, we ate, we caught up a bit. Will I see him again soon, that I cannot answer.

But, the experience left me thinking so many things. I was flooded with memories that I had long since forgotten. Sunday evening, I stared off into the sunset and allowed my mind to wander. I thought about the good and bad.

You never get a say in the hand you are dealt, you just learn to deal and adapt. You learn how to operate in the situation in which you are placed. You learn how to live and thrive even when you are hurting. You learn from the past, and hope for a better future. You learn that nothing is certain, and that sometimes plans fall through, and people let you down. You learn that "normal" is a fluid concept.

Lazy Girl

Lately, I have been lacking motivation to do anything. I don't want to cook, I don't want to clean, I don't want to track my spending, and I don't want to work out. I don't want to do much at all.

Last week, I didn't run once. I went to the gym once, and "cross trained" by doing the elliptical at such a slow clip that I barley broke a sweat. Other than that, I hit snooze on the alarm, every single morning, and I came home, changed clothes, and laid on the couch every night. I watched episode after episode of House Hunters, then watched reruns of the Office on Netflix.

Whats worse, is I knew I was being lazy. I felt bad about it, but it didn't motivate me to get off my booty and move. Not only was I physically lazy, but mentally as well. I allowed myself do go to a place of lethargy.

Looking back, I was pretty lame last week. I didn't care about anything, and I was not motivated to be better, to be stronger, or to put effort into anything. I can easily see how living like that can become a habit, and lead to a life of poor choices. It seems as if I spent last week in a fog, wandering aimlessly without direction or purpose.

In the end, it did not hurt me, it did not have a major impact on my life, but it did not leave be fulfilled either.

When I work out, when I sweat, when I accomplish tasks, when I am efficient and productive, I feel better about myself. I make better choices, and I feel clear, mentally.

I vowed to make this week better than last. We got home late last night, and I went to bed exhausted, happy, and ready to take on a new week.

This morning, I woke up before my alarm and before I went to work I accomplished more than I did in the 7 days prior. I did 2 loads of laundry, emptied the dish washer, picked up the house, made breakfast and lunch, and worked out.

I was extremely productive at work, and managed to show my to do list who's boss. I get a thrill every time I get to highlight something off my list!

The big test for me came after work today. Last week, I came home, changed, and sat on the couch for 4 hours vegging out. Today, I told myself today that I would not turn on the t.v., and that I would tackle my personal to do list.

Yes, I am Type A, and have several to do lists going all at one time. I managed to reconcile our bank account, go for a run, stop by the library, and mow the back yard all in 2 hours.

Now, I am blogging, getting ready to put some things on Craigslist to sell, and finish a few tasks that have been nagging me for a while.

How was your Monday? I h
ope it was wonderfully productive, and that you started this week of with a BANG.
When you get lazy, how do you fight through it? Is your a physical or mental exhaustion that you battle?

If your going to San Diego, please let me come with you.

California is awesome, but you already knew that. P had a business trip to Cali last week, and I decided to tag along for a few days. It was a win win win situation because his company was paying for his flight, food, car, and fun! All we had to pay for was my flight and meals. Score!  I took a 1/2 day off of work on Thursday, and we flew out on Friday. Unfortunately, I am already back home, but it was a fun and busy weekend. 

I could do what ever other blogger does after a trip and give you a recap, but I won't do that. I will however show you a ton of pictures, and tell you what I learned. 

California is beautiful. I know this, and so do you. But there is something about standing on a cliff, overlooking the ocean that takes my breath away every time. I could sit and stare out into the ocean for hours, and relish those moments where I felt small, vulnerable, and insignificant  I walk around acting like life is all about me and my situation. The sun does not rise and set because of my life, according to my schedule or needs. Life moves forward with or without me, and in the grand scheme of things, I am only a second in a trillion year story. It was refreshing to be reminded that the world does not revolve around me. 

 I crave beauty. The hardest part of being in Dallas is living in a concrete jungle. This trip reminded me to seek out the beauty in life. Find it. It may not always be so obvious, but its there.

There are many people who are nothing like me, and that's ok.  Call me naive  but sometimes I go through life thinking that everyone is just like me. They believe what I believe, think how I think, and agree with my world view. That could not be further from the truth. California is very different from Texas. I live in a very Southern, conservative, wealthy town, and there are many people who have the same world view as I do. It was refreshing to be in a place that was different than my every day experience. It challenged me, and at times made me feel uncomfortable, but its those times of uncomfortable that lead to growth. I want to grow and need to grow. I didn't love when I saw a guy shooting drugs up his arm. It scared me, it saddened me, and it made my heart cry out for him. So often, I am quick to judge, and write people like that off. I tell myself "If he were strong, he would quit." "If he had discipline, he would pick himself up on his own." "If he were more like me, he would not be such a loser." That was hard to write. That was even harder to admit to myself. The last thing anyone needs is my judgment. The first thing I need to give is love. There is not enough of that to go around.

I hope you have a chance to get out of town this summer, even if just for a weekend. To go somewhere beautiful, to feel inspired and challenged. I hope you have a chance to step out of the norm of life and ask questions to yourself, even if they are hard, and you know the answers are ugly.  I hope you get to feel uncomfortable, and small. I hope you give yourself the gift of really living and dreaming. I hope you turn of your phone, and forget about email for a few hours. I hope you turn off the t.v., the music, and the distractions, and tune into life.

So often I am so caught up in the day to day that I forget to live. I forget to dream. I forget that this is my one shot, I don't get any do overs. I need to enjoy life more, and focus less on my to do lists. I need to hug my husband more, and kiss in public. I want to walk hand in hand with him everywhere. I want to be warmed by my toes in the sand, and the sun on my face. I want to continue to be shaped, molded, and challenged. I want to be better tomorrow than I am today.