Last Christmas

This Christmas week, has been very merry indeed. Its been filled with family, friends, food, laughter, presents and love. But, its also been bitter sweet.

I've spent nearly 30 Christmas' in this home, and this year is the last one I ever will. My parents are retiring in 2015, and they are moving to another town to be closer to family, which is wonderful and exciting. But these past few days, as we've helped my parents clean out the attic and sort through the stuff, there have been moments where I felt nearly paralyzed with sadness as I was overcome with memories and emotions. 

My parents close on their new house on January 9th, but won't retire until the summer. But, that weekend in January, they plan to begin moving things to their new house each month, to make the final move easier. The next time I step foot in this home, there will not be a bed in my room, or things in my closet. The end is very near. 

Last night, Christmas eve, we went to our final Christmas service at church. The church were I was baptized, where I met Jesus, and went to Sunday school. The church where I made friends, played on the lawn, spent countless hours. During our final song, I stood quietly looking at the alter, taking it all in, just wanting to remember the church, because its been exactly the same since I was a child. 

And last night, I woke up after everyone went to bed, and wondered the quite rooms of this house.  A lot of life happened between these four walls. Good things and bad. Memories and moments that we treasure, and a million others that we have long since forgotten. Dreams came true, hearts were broken, fights and make up's occurred. First kisses, slow dances, parties. They all happened here. It is just a house, just brick and drywall, but somewhere along the way, it became home. A refuge from the storm, a place where love always prevailed. 

We leave tomorrow afternoon to head back to Dallas. So this, my final night, in my home before everything changes, before everything is different, before normal is no more, I will take a moment to thank this house. Thank it for always being warm and inviting. For always keeping me safe from the storm, and for being more than just a house. 

In these last few hours and days of the only "normal" I've ever known, I'm reminded of the quote by Steven Rogers. "Beginnings are usually scary, endings are usually sad, but its whats in the middle that counts. So when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will."

You Never Know

I don't talk about work much here on the old blog, but I really enjoy my job. I am in commercial real estate, and I manage a portfolio worth hundreds of millions of dollars. My job is is control expenses, manage a team, budgeting, keep operating systems functioning, ensure the assets look beautiful at all times, and many many other things. Its a high stress job, with lots of responsibilities, but I do enjoy it.

Sometimes, when things get really busy, I go to a place where I am not leading with love and kindness, rather, I am legalistic, demanding, and task oriented.

Given that I office at one of my assets, I see anything and everything wrong with the building. (Much to the chagrin of my team).  One thing that angers me is smokers who through their butts in the grass or in the flower beds rather than the ash trays. It is something that annoys me to no end, and I look for them every time I am outside.

For the past few weeks, there I noticed a gentleman at the building who rarely used the ash tray's. He threw his used butts in the drive way, in the grass, and in the flower beds that I paid thousands of dollars to install, and pay hundreds of dollars and month to upkeep. I watched him do this time and time again, and each time, I became more and more angry.

I sent memo's out to the entire building reminding them of the smoking policy and procedure. I emailed him company directly asking them to be cognizant of this, and still nothing changed. At one point, I went and picked up one of his used cigarette butts, put it in an plastic bag, and was ready to march up to his office and let him know he left something behind.

But then, I spoke with a man on my team who knew his story. It turns out, this man had been living in a hotel for the past 3 months. He wears the same clothes all week, because he does not have anything else to wear. He does not have a car, so he walks to work every day. Currently, he is going through a nasty divorce, and his wife cleaned out the bank account, locked him out of the house, and left him with almost nothing.

After hearing that, my heart dropped to my stomach. Was he doing something wrong? Yes. Was it making me mad? Yes. Had I stopped for moment to consider him and his situation? No.

Does he need to stop throwing those cigarette butts all over my property? Yes. Does he need to be dealt with? Yes.

But, I was reminded in that moment, that attitude begets attitude. Problems escalate, people get mad, upset, and hurt feelings when they perceive they have been wronged.

The problem with my situation was not my smoker friend, it was me. It was my attitude toward him and my approach to the problem. If I want a positive outcome, perhaps it would be better for me to tone down my attitude and lead with kindness rather than bitchiness.

Ultimately, it was more about me than him. I need to stop and think about others, not just myself. I have to think about how I want to hear news and information. Getting mad is easy, managing that anger, presenting it in a way that is more appealing is the challenge.

You never know what someone is going through. We have the choice to be a blessing or a curse to people. We can be the reason they smile that day, the reason they laugh, or the reason they feel even a glimmer of hope. We can build up rather than tear down. We can be the change we want to see.

Contemplation

By nature, I am not normally very contemplative.

I don't spend a ton of time thinking about the day's gone by or yearning for yesteryear. At times, I could probably even be accused of being some what flippant. It is not hard for me to let things go, or shut things off.

However, on Sunday, I found myself laying in the afternoon sun on our deck thinking about years gone by. Yearning to go back in time, and grab the girl I once was and hug her, and whisper truth in her ear. I was yearning for friendship lost, for experiences never taken, and for mistakes that were made.

All of this was brought on by seeing someone I have not seen in 7 years. Someone whom I've always loved, but walked out of my life 15 years ago. Someone who cut the cord, and didn't make me a priority for a long time. That someone is my brother.

 Because he was my older brother, I idolized him. I wanted to be his best friend, and would do anything for him. He gave me my first sip of beer, let me drive his truck around the neighborhood when I was just 13 and my parents weren't home. He took me to my first high school party. He took me shopping with his money and bought me a pair of boots I wanted that my parents would not get for me because they were too expensive. He was a great older brother.

15 years ago, he was in college at Texas A&M, studying Economics, and seemed to have everything going for him. He was smart, funny, and had a ton of friends. Everything was going according to plan.

Then, one day, he called home and told my mom he was dropping out of school. He came home dropped off all his possessions, and walked out of our lives. He spent the past 15 years living in 7 different countries, working on and off, studying, and becoming fluent in several different languages. He has been a bit of a bohemian for the past decade. During that time, he would write a few letters a year, and call to check in maybe once a month at most.

For those left behind, it was almost like dealing with a death. We mourned, we missed him, we were angry, we accepted, and we grew, and we changed. We had to. It was almost like my brother leaving made my parents and I cling to each other that much more.

2 years ago, my brother came home, a decision that he never fully explained. He stayed at my parents house for a few weeks, and decided that he wanted to finish school and stay in the States. During the past 2 years, we have talked on the phone a handful of times, but have never seen each other until this past weekend.

For the long 4th of July weekend, P and I drove down to central Texas to spend the long weekend with my side of the family. To say I was nervous and didn't know what to expect would be an understatement. When he walked through the door on Friday afternoon, the moment was exciting, surreal, and uncomfortable. I didn't quite know how to act or what to say.

The weekend flew by, and he had a lot of fun. We talked, we ate, we caught up a bit. Will I see him again soon, that I cannot answer.

But, the experience left me thinking so many things. I was flooded with memories that I had long since forgotten. Sunday evening, I stared off into the sunset and allowed my mind to wander. I thought about the good and bad.

You never get a say in the hand you are dealt, you just learn to deal and adapt. You learn how to operate in the situation in which you are placed. You learn how to live and thrive even when you are hurting. You learn from the past, and hope for a better future. You learn that nothing is certain, and that sometimes plans fall through, and people let you down. You learn that "normal" is a fluid concept.

How I get into Beast Mode

About a month ago, I was at Jamba Juice getting my Saturday morning smoothie after a killer Pure Barre class (one medium Berry Upbeat, holy yum), when the juicer asked if I wanted a wheat grass shot. I declined the "enticing" offer. I paid for my drink, and went merrily on my way. When I got home, I started researching wheat grass, was impressed by what I read, so I decided to pick some up when I went to the store.

Drinking wheat grass is probably the most hard core healthy thing I do. Full disclosure, this stuff is just nasty, and if I think about it too long before I drink it, I can actually make myself gag. Its green, its gritty, and it stinks. Not the most appetizing drink in the world.

Some people make green smoothies, but I have neither the time, nor the desire to clean all the tools it takes to make a smoothie each morning. My cocktail is 1/4 of a cup of juice, 1 scoop wheat grass, then a 1/4 cup of water. Stir it around, then slam it down.

I do like to drink my grass out of a nice glass, just because it makes me feel fancy. After I drink it, I immediately shove a piece of an orange in my mouth to get rid of the taste, which helps immensely.

The best part, P decided to go along with it, and now chugs grass right beside me each morning.

Given that it stinks, tastes like grass that was chewed up and spit out by a cow, has the texture of sand, and is green, why the hell do this to myself?

For the health benefits. Here is what that green "goodness" does.

-Has vitamins A, C, E, Iron, Calcium, Magnesium, and Amino Acids
- Increases production of hemoglobin (I don't know what that means, but it sounds important)
-Improves diabetes, prevents tooth decay, improves wound healing, and prevents bacterial infections
-Removes cancer causing agents front he body and removes toxins from the liver and blood
-Reduced blood pressure, improves indigestion, and lowers cholesterol
-Energizes the body and mind
-1 scoop is equivalent to eating 5 servings of veggies
-Aids metabolism and is a good tool for weight control
-Boots the immune system
-And so much more!!!

In the end, I figure that drinking this nasty concoction takes about 10 seconds of my day, but it provides so many health benefits, that to me, its pretty much worth it. After I drink it, I imagine all the greens making their way through my body, doing all sorts of good things for me.

I don't know if it is mental, but the mornings that I drink my grass, I feel more energized, alert, and sunny. I feel healthier and more alert immediately. (What, I said it may be mental).

Yes, I will burp up a bit of it throughout the morning drive to work, and it is quite unpleasant. Yes, I have walked into the office with green bits in my teeth and in the corners of my mouth. Yes, just thinking about the taste and texture right now sends shivers up my spine.

But, in the end, I feel good about what I am doing, and I don't see a down side to it.

Ever tried wheat grass? What did you think? Whats the craziest thing you have done for your health?

Desperate Times Call for Acts of Stupidity

We have had some wicked and wild weather down here in Texas these past few days. Its been so cold. There has been lots of ice and sleet on the road, something that none of us are used to down here. This storm has literally shut down Dallas. Everyone left work early on Thursday, no one worked on Friday, and about 1/2 of the city went back to work on Monday. You Northerners may call this "a light dusting" but to us Southerners, its been ARCTIC BLAST 2013.

Now that you know the scene, lets talk about the crime, and what my dumb butt self did.
I normally park my car in the driveway rather than the garage because the garage is detached and behind the house. It is a tight fit to get the car through the gate, and so I rarely park back there. Thursday, because of the weather, I backed my car up the driveway and into the garage. It took me nearly 15 minutes. (I am not the worlds best driver, and I fear hitting the house or the garage with the car).

Because I am the cheapest person alive, my goal was to keep the heater off as long as I could. I took a hot shower, was dressed in about 6 layers and shivering. I looked at the thermostat and the house was down to 54 degrees inside.

I started craving hot chocolate in a bad way. We didn't have any, but the gas station about 1/2 a mile down the road has really good hot chocolate. In my mind, I had 2 options--go to the gas station or don't. The problem was, it was already dark, P was at his work Christmas party, and I was not going to take my car out of the garage as it was already sleeting, ice was forming quickly on the streets, and it was pitch black. Frustrated, I piddled around the house but literally could not stop thinking about hot chocolate. Suddenly, the insane portion of my brain formulated a plan--I said to myself "self, you can ride your bike to the gas station, and that way you don't have to take the car out of the garage." I really tried to tap into my uncrazy side, but the need for ho cho won.

So I tucked my pajama bottoms into my socks, slipped on my sperrys, grabbed by bike and hit the very slick, and newly iced roads. Don't be jealous of my sexyness.

Sleet was coming down, and hail was hitting me in the eye, but I was determined to get my ho cho. I rode as fast as I could through the Buddhist Temple parking lot, past the Indywood Grocery and CD Store, across from Pashmina Imports, and in front of Karishan's Sari Shoppe (Have I mentioned that we live in an ethnically diverse area?) and arrived at the gas station. I didn't want to leave my very expensive bike outside in the dark, so I just wheeled her into the station and grabbed the 1st cup I could find and filled it to the brim with that dark, hot, and delicious liquid gold.

I should probably mention at this point that in a rush to leave I neglected to wear gloves and nothing on my body was dry fit, so I was pretty much soaked to the bone.

I also kind of forgot about riding home.
In the sleet.
Holding hot chocolate.
With one hand.

By the time I got home, my ho cho was only luke warm. But, I didn't care. I rushed inside turned on hot water and held my hands under the faucet to un-numb them. I drank my 1/2 drink in about 2 gulps, turned toward the bike and actually thought about going back.

Fortunately, my uncrazy side kicked in and I didn't, but I sure thought about it.

Would you have ridden to the store? Please tell me yes.
Whats the weather like where you are? Are you experiencing this arctic blast?

My Most Embarrassing Moment

Its Tuesday, after a holiday. We are all depressed that we have to go back to work. We are all feeling fat from too much food. We are all looking at our calendars towards Christmas when we get yet another short week. We are all pretty much using the work day as a recovery time from our feasting and partying.

So, I thought I would share with all you fine folks one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

Picture it, the early 2000's. I am in my senior year of college, and I have finally settled on a major. In 4 years of college, I had 5 declared majors, one of which I left, and then came back to. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life at that point, so I did what any "smart" college kid does, I decided to major in the liberal arts. There don't seem to be many ads in the paper for history majors or philosophy majors yet, I still decided to major in history. I didn't want to major in something so pedestrian like accounting. A major that taught you skills so that you could one day..you know…get paid.

It is the spring semester of my senior year, and I am in the 2nd semester of my senior year thesis class. After months of research and hard work, I am so close to finishing my undergraduate thesis. At this time, I was also taking a feminist history course, and in a wave of feminist fervor, I decided to declare my disgust with modern and historical men, and study the suffrage movement in America. Unfortunately for me, no one in the hiring process cares how much one may know about Elizabeth Cady Stanton and her Declaration of Sentiments. They care more about your ability to cut costs, do an in-depth cost analysis, and make decisions without having to think or write about your feelings.

In a wave of triumph, I turned in my obsessively researched and overtly pompous paper to my professor and breathed a sigh of relief. She would read it, review it, and allow us to make revisions before handing it out to the class for debate and discussion. {On a side note, if I know that one of my papers is going to be read by my peers and the merits of my argument are going to be dissected in front of me, I will have more research and back up than a lawyer arguing before the supreme court. When arguing about historical insignificant events that have little to do with today, I play to win.}

I remember it clearly….it was a Friday afternoon, and I was scheduled to pick up my paper at 3:00. It was a cold and rainy day, and like any good college student, I skipped class because the weather was bad, and stayed in bed playing on my computer and watching Dawson's Creek reruns. I left my apartment at 2:50 still in my pajamas, with my unwashed hair, unbrushed teeth, in a long sleeve t-shirt that had microwaved lasagna stains, slippers, soffe shorts, and no bra. I thought campus would be empty and that I would pick up my paper quickly and return to the comfort of my bed.

I parked illegally, ran into the building, and low and behold, a faculty meeting had just let out, and there stood all my professors chatting, while I, bra-less, smelly, and unkempt stood in the door way of the department office frozen in place. My jaw dropped and my face flooded with color. I felt nothing but embarrassed for how I looked. My professor, the department chair mind you, saw me, and ushered me into her office, where she insisted that I put on her trench coat while we reviewed my paper. 2 hours later, I walked out of her office, in deep deep shame.

Moral of the story, if you are a women, every time you leave the house, have a bra on.

By the way…the braless wonder got an A on that paper and in the class. Boom.

Happy post Thanksgiving friends.

You are up. Please tell me your most embarrassing moment.

Intentional Living

This year has flown by. I cannot believe that it is December, and that Thanksgiving has already come and gone.

 

This year has been one of the busiest of my life. I was promoted, and given quite a bit more to do at work. We have been making more and more social commitments, and have had a lot of family obligations. Everything has been fun, but its made my days long, and I found that I am often booked from the moment I wake up at 4:20 to when I crash into bed at 9:30....lately, its actually been around 8:30.

 

It seems that these days, every moment is planned down the the minute. Often, when I am at work, I am doing one task, while mentally working on something else. Or, I am in the kitchen cooking 3 things, folding the laundry, and cleaning all at the same time. I also find that when P and I are talking, I rarely just sit and talk. I am always talking and doing something else. When I get ready in the morning, I am drying my hair, brushing my teeth, stretching, and attempting to read all at the same time.

 

Yesterday flew by, and I honestly can hardly remember it. I do know that I worked out, cleaned, and watched football, but other than that, the details are a bit fuzzy.

 

From now, until the end of the year, I really need to make a concerted effort to be more present, to be in the moment right now, not the next moment. I need to stop trying to pencil in down time to watch t.v., or just hang out. Because, I know I can't keep going at this speed, I will eventually burn out. I also know that I need to let go of things. Our house does not need to be spotless all the time. The laundry does not all have to be folded and put away right away. If the bed doesn't get made, who is going to get hurt? If I miss a work out, its not the end of the world. If I don't get to shop and miss out on redeeming some coupons, its not worth stressing out.

This is also a time of year that we all start spending a lot of money. I know how easily it is to swipe the debit card multiple times, all of which are unplanned, and those can be major budget busters. 

 

Every day, I have multiple to do lists, and they are never all completed. I need to relax more, focus on people rather than lists, and enjoy the season. I don't need to give THE PERFECT GIFT to everyone in my life. And I sure as heck don't need to GET THE PERFECT GIFT from family and friends, because I know their feelings towards do not correlate directly to how much money they spent on me. 

 

I will be more present, I will take time to look at the sky, I will take time out to relax, have fun, and live intentionally.

Keeping my mouth shut

Sometimes its really hard to sit by and listen and watch others make mistakes. Especially when its in  an area that you know a lot about. Can I get an AMEN from the crowd?

Last week, one of the guys that works for me needed help with some paperwork. He needed to take a loan against his 401K. I helped him with the paperwork, and explained what some things meant. In my head, I was thinking "NO NO NO NO NO NO" don't do this. But, I kept my mouth shut, and didn't say a word.

Today, he came into my office super happy and excited. He explained that the reason for his good mood was that the money he took out from his 401K had already come in, and he was so happy because he didn't think he would get it for a few weeks.  He told me he was planning to give some money to his mom, some to his son, but he was really excited because now that he had the money, he would take his wife to the fair this weekend. My hands were in my lap, and I smiled and said "Well, I am happy for you, and I hope you have fun!" All the while, my fingers were digging into my thighs, as I cringed inside. Yes, the State Fair of Texas is going on right now, but I don't think it is a big deal, but apparently others do.

Not everyone wants to hear about Dave Ramsey this, and his plan says that. Sometimes I can be a know it all (or a lot of the time depending on who you ask) but he is making a huge mistake in my eyes. I wanted to badly to tell him, to lecture him, and to set him straight according to the path that I think is correct.

Damn.

Judgmental witch, table for 1.

My path, my way, my thoughts, my views, my my my.

Sometimes, the best thing we can do is love others and show joy and excitement to them when they need it. To realize we don't have all the facts, and to understand sometimes we are not invited into the conversation. Sometimes we don't get to the be the teacher, advisor, or all knowing wizard. Sometimes, people choose their own paths. And, sometimes, its best to keep your mouth shut.

What would you have done?

Loner

Sometimes I wonder if P sauce and I are antisocial, or if we are just loners.

Can you be a loner without being lonely? Can you enjoy people but need time away, time for quite, time for peace, time for just being?

Often, when we have a social obligation with friends, I find that I dread it. I don't look forward to it, and I start fixating on all the things I would rather be doing. Once I get to the party, lunch, or event, I usually have a great time, but its the dreading that I question. Its the longing to be alone, at my home that often makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me.

I have a friend who says she has social anxiety, but in reverse. She becomes anxious if she knows people are doing something fun without her, and cannot stand to be away from the group.

I find that exhausting.

I always want to be around P, thats a given. But, I get such joy by being at home. Piddling around the house, doing laundry, watching football, listening to music, cleaning, organizing my stockpile, blogging, or reading; these are things that I like to do, and want to do more of.

We have never been ones to eat an fancy restaurants, or go to bars and clubs. We live a very simple life, a life that others may view as boring, but to me, I consider quaint.

Thomas Jefferson once said" I would rather be shut up in a very modest cottage with my books, my family, and a few old friends, dining on simple bacon, and letting the world roll on as it liked, than to occupy the most splendid post which any human power can give."

I completely agree with him. I rarely have the urge to go out, I almost always have the urge to stay in.

But then again, he is a man who became president, and the man who said, "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants."

So, I don't know how reliable a source ol' Tommy boy is.

I have always been the type to have a few really close relationships with a small group, and several acquaintance, rather than have a large group of friends. I find comfort in the small intimate groups, where relationships grow deep, and have long histories. I find humor in the old inside jokes, and telling of stories.

Is one better or worse, I don't know. I do know that I find strength, joy, and energy from stillness, simpleness, and silence. I find comfort in being in my home surrounded by my things. I am energized by a good book, or a brilliant blog post.

It seems to me that I need to be at peace with who I am and how I was made.

Peace seeker, or party goer? Which are you?

A Letter to my 18 year old self.

School is starting soon, and millions of kids are packing up their trunks, and heading to the unknown. They are leaving the nest, and flying solo for the first time. They are moving from their childhood home, into a dorm that is roughly the size of a closet.
I can remember the day I left for college perfectly. My Honda Civic was filled to the brim, and my eyes were wet as I drove 3 hours away to college. If only I knew then what I know now. This is what I would have told myself.

My dear Allison,

Sweetheart, I know you are scared right now, but its ok. Before you do anything else, take a deep breath. I will let you in on a little secret, it all works out in the end, so relax a bit, ok?

First, its ok to be scared. Don't try and force yourself to be strong. Those tears are real, and its ok to let them flow. High school wasn't that great, but this next adventure is going to be. You are going to make life long friends, and experience things that will shape your life forever, so buck up girl, its gonna be a good and wild ride. Be confident in your abilities. You are a good soccer player, and all the blood, sweat, and tears were worth it. Your entire college tuition is being paid because you can play ball. So play!

I will tell you right now, eating 4 single serve Stoffers lasagans for dinner is not a good idea. And stop eating hot pockets all the time, and for the love of pete, stop putting so much damn ranch dressing on everything. You may not understand why now, but your thighs will thank you later.

It may not be a good idea to call your parents at 3:00 AM on your first weekend off. Yes, your 1st college party was fun, but maybe next time, don't drink any party punch if you don't know whats in it. I can tell you that calling mom and dad crying and saying "I'm packing my bags and coming home, come get me tonight" will scare the crap out of them. They will leave the house at 5:00 AM just to be at your dorm by 8:00 to take you and your roommates to breakfast and shopping. Trust me on this one, skip the phone call, cause you stay, and you love it.

It is a good idea to take a broom, blast Michelle Branch, and stand on the counter and lip sing with your best friends. Do that more often, because you will never forgot those moments.

Its also a good idea to work a bit more in the summers. Don't just get a job because its easy, get a job because it pays. Come on now, you knew that one, right?

Don't join the sorority. Its a waste of time and money.

Just because an organization is giving away free food does not mean you should take it. Stop going to that creepy church's student center every week just because they are making spaghetti for lunch again, its not worth it.

That guy Jake, just avoid him all together, because he's a whole mess of stalker drama that you really don't need.

You will meet a lesbian for the first time, handle it better, ok.

Just because he plays sports does not make him a jock, so stop hanging out with the sissy pretty boys. It will only make you feel bad about yourself when you have to protect them.

Learn to play pool--it will make you look like a badass.

Finally, take risks Al. Stop being so scared all the time. Stop letting other peoples fears infiltrate your own life. You are young, its ok to fail sometimes. Its ok to fall down, to scrape your soul, to have a crushed spirit, to step out into the abyss. You are stronger than you know. You will survive, and thrive. See the cliff up ahead? Step over the edge, because even if don't make it across on the first try, there is no reason to believe the fall wont be just as exhilarating as the jump. Experience everything you can. Say yes, yes, and yes again to each opportunity. You are dying to go to Paris, so go. Live, explore, enjoy. Life is to be savored. Its sweet, its sour, and completely delicious. Trust your gut, trust that you know what you are doing. Trust your instinct, that tiny feeling in the pit of your stomach.

Have faith, have fun, and enjoy the ride,

Me.

What advise would you give yourself all those years ago?

Lazy Girl

Lately, I have been lacking motivation to do anything. I don't want to cook, I don't want to clean, I don't want to track my spending, and I don't want to work out. I don't want to do much at all.

Last week, I didn't run once. I went to the gym once, and "cross trained" by doing the elliptical at such a slow clip that I barley broke a sweat. Other than that, I hit snooze on the alarm, every single morning, and I came home, changed clothes, and laid on the couch every night. I watched episode after episode of House Hunters, then watched reruns of the Office on Netflix.

Whats worse, is I knew I was being lazy. I felt bad about it, but it didn't motivate me to get off my booty and move. Not only was I physically lazy, but mentally as well. I allowed myself do go to a place of lethargy.

Looking back, I was pretty lame last week. I didn't care about anything, and I was not motivated to be better, to be stronger, or to put effort into anything. I can easily see how living like that can become a habit, and lead to a life of poor choices. It seems as if I spent last week in a fog, wandering aimlessly without direction or purpose.

In the end, it did not hurt me, it did not have a major impact on my life, but it did not leave be fulfilled either.

When I work out, when I sweat, when I accomplish tasks, when I am efficient and productive, I feel better about myself. I make better choices, and I feel clear, mentally.

I vowed to make this week better than last. We got home late last night, and I went to bed exhausted, happy, and ready to take on a new week.

This morning, I woke up before my alarm and before I went to work I accomplished more than I did in the 7 days prior. I did 2 loads of laundry, emptied the dish washer, picked up the house, made breakfast and lunch, and worked out.

I was extremely productive at work, and managed to show my to do list who's boss. I get a thrill every time I get to highlight something off my list!

The big test for me came after work today. Last week, I came home, changed, and sat on the couch for 4 hours vegging out. Today, I told myself today that I would not turn on the t.v., and that I would tackle my personal to do list.

Yes, I am Type A, and have several to do lists going all at one time. I managed to reconcile our bank account, go for a run, stop by the library, and mow the back yard all in 2 hours.

Now, I am blogging, getting ready to put some things on Craigslist to sell, and finish a few tasks that have been nagging me for a while.

How was your Monday? I h
ope it was wonderfully productive, and that you started this week of with a BANG.
When you get lazy, how do you fight through it? Is your a physical or mental exhaustion that you battle?

If your going to San Diego, please let me come with you.

California is awesome, but you already knew that. P had a business trip to Cali last week, and I decided to tag along for a few days. It was a win win win situation because his company was paying for his flight, food, car, and fun! All we had to pay for was my flight and meals. Score!  I took a 1/2 day off of work on Thursday, and we flew out on Friday. Unfortunately, I am already back home, but it was a fun and busy weekend. 

I could do what ever other blogger does after a trip and give you a recap, but I won't do that. I will however show you a ton of pictures, and tell you what I learned. 

California is beautiful. I know this, and so do you. But there is something about standing on a cliff, overlooking the ocean that takes my breath away every time. I could sit and stare out into the ocean for hours, and relish those moments where I felt small, vulnerable, and insignificant  I walk around acting like life is all about me and my situation. The sun does not rise and set because of my life, according to my schedule or needs. Life moves forward with or without me, and in the grand scheme of things, I am only a second in a trillion year story. It was refreshing to be reminded that the world does not revolve around me. 

 I crave beauty. The hardest part of being in Dallas is living in a concrete jungle. This trip reminded me to seek out the beauty in life. Find it. It may not always be so obvious, but its there.

There are many people who are nothing like me, and that's ok.  Call me naive  but sometimes I go through life thinking that everyone is just like me. They believe what I believe, think how I think, and agree with my world view. That could not be further from the truth. California is very different from Texas. I live in a very Southern, conservative, wealthy town, and there are many people who have the same world view as I do. It was refreshing to be in a place that was different than my every day experience. It challenged me, and at times made me feel uncomfortable, but its those times of uncomfortable that lead to growth. I want to grow and need to grow. I didn't love when I saw a guy shooting drugs up his arm. It scared me, it saddened me, and it made my heart cry out for him. So often, I am quick to judge, and write people like that off. I tell myself "If he were strong, he would quit." "If he had discipline, he would pick himself up on his own." "If he were more like me, he would not be such a loser." That was hard to write. That was even harder to admit to myself. The last thing anyone needs is my judgment. The first thing I need to give is love. There is not enough of that to go around.

I hope you have a chance to get out of town this summer, even if just for a weekend. To go somewhere beautiful, to feel inspired and challenged. I hope you have a chance to step out of the norm of life and ask questions to yourself, even if they are hard, and you know the answers are ugly.  I hope you get to feel uncomfortable, and small. I hope you give yourself the gift of really living and dreaming. I hope you turn of your phone, and forget about email for a few hours. I hope you turn off the t.v., the music, and the distractions, and tune into life.

So often I am so caught up in the day to day that I forget to live. I forget to dream. I forget that this is my one shot, I don't get any do overs. I need to enjoy life more, and focus less on my to do lists. I need to hug my husband more, and kiss in public. I want to walk hand in hand with him everywhere. I want to be warmed by my toes in the sand, and the sun on my face. I want to continue to be shaped, molded, and challenged. I want to be better tomorrow than I am today.

I voted today and I almost cried, but I didn't.

Today after work, I voted. The experience was quick and painless. If all government programs ran as efficiently as the polling place did today, I think many of us would have a different view of the government, but that it a different story for a different day.

Today, as the eldery woman pointed out the features of the monitor, I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I wanted to hug her, but again I didn't. I stood there looking at the screen, and was over come by the emotion of voting. I stood there for a brief second and I thought about all of those who came before us.

Those women who fought to give us the right to vote. The ones who were abandonded by their families because of their beliefs. I thought about the wars fought so that we could have the right to vote, to be ignorant, or be lazy. I thought about the millions of people all across the world who are fighting right now for the right to choose their next leader. I thought about all of them, and just as much as I cast my vote to hear my own voice, I cast it for them too. The ones who long for freedom, justice, and a fair shot. The ones who live in war torn countries under brutal dictators. The ones who feel powerless to change their lives.

Again, standing there looking at the screen, I wanted to cry, but I didn't. As you know, I am an emotional idiot, and anything that looks or feels like a feeling freaks me out, and I hide behind my mask. Mature I know.

And, as I held back my tears, I checked off name by name my vote for president, my vote for judges, state representatives, and local representatives. I wanted to cry, but again, I didnt.

Despite the political bickering, the constant battle that goes on between Republican and Democrat, Conservative or Liberal, I voted for us all. I voted for my guy, and the hope that he will win, and bring about peace and restoration. I don't have faith in him, or any candidate, but I can hope.

This election season, I have found myself interested, but I have kept myself at an arms length from my candidate this time around. I don't know if I am jaded, or if I am at a place where I realize that I love Jesus more, and I have finally put all of my hope into Him. I think its the latter. I think I have continued to fall more and more in love with Jesus, and I have learned that He is the answer, always, to every question. I always stumble when I take my eyes off Him. I always loose my way when I don't stare straight ahead at Him. And for His love, mercy, and hope that He gives me, I could cry, but again I didn't.

I urge you to share your voice. No matter how small we may think it is, share it. Your vote is your voice. Shout it, share it. Do it for our country, and do it for yourself. Do it because others have died trying to attain it. Do it because nothing will make you more American. Do it in hope that it will bind us together as an American people. I sign off tonight thinking and praying for this country, the best place in the world. I will be praying for peace and unity. Neither candidate can save us, heal us, or unite us, but there is One who can.

Fear Week, I am going to do something that makes me nervous

Fear has played way to prominent part in my life for far too long. I can think of examples in my life when I have been paralyzed by fear, or I have made decisions out of fear. Fear of getting hurt, fear of feeling awkward, fear of taking a chance.

 I get my fear from my father. My dad is awesome, and he loved us so much growing up, and I think that because he loved us so much, all he ever wanted to do was protect us. I think that he was so scared that we would get hurt, sick, injured, or even feel some kind of pain, that he tried to shield us. As a result, he was always worried about us, and I think that I watched my dad give into fear for a long time, that I adopted that fear for myself. While my dad has learned to let go and live by faith now, I still struggle with fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of something, anything.

It is funny to me that one of my major weaknesses is fear because I married a man who is fearless. Fear is not something my P struggles with. He looks at challenges head on and attacks them. When he sees me giving into fear or being stopped by indecision, he is that voice whispering softly to go for it, because even if I fall, he is right there behind me to help pick me up, dust me off, and push me to keep going.
Last week, I was sitting on the toilet (TMI???) and as I reached for the toilet paper, I looked at something that I framed a long time ago. It sits on the window sill of my bathroom right next to the Charmin, so I have to look at it every day. (And yes, if you know anything about us, P and I don't change the roll) I might not wash my hair very often, but I sure as heck.....you know what I mean. I framed the cover of a card and I read that quote "Do one thing every day that scares you" on a daily basis.

This week, I am going to look my fear in the face and take the challenge head on. I am moving forward with my dream. I am a good writer, I know this, and I want to do something with writing. This week, I am going to pitch an idea to a local journal for a story idea. I am going to try and get a gig as a freelance writer.
For some people, this is not a big deal. For me, I am scared out of my mind to put myself out there and take a chance, but I am doing it. I am going to reach out to the publication by Friday of this week and pitch my idea.

Fear, I will not give into you. I will not let you hold me back. This week Fear, I am going to kick your trash.

Do you struggle with fear? What do you fear the most? Have you ever been paralyzed by fear?

Body attack

A few Friday's ago, I hit up the gym after work. I didn't want to run because I was doing a long run on Saturday, so I started out on the elliptical, and after about 3 minutes I was bored out of my mind. I decided to try a class that was about to start called Body Attack, because I wanted to get my heart rate up and have so e fun in the process.

The class description was a bit vague, but I decided to try it out anyways. This was a big step for me because I am pretty hesitant to try new things and hardly every try new experiences by myself.

The class was a mix of 90's style exercises, (think lots of bouncing side to side, high knees, butt kicks) but my heart rate was wayyyyyy up, and I was sweating like a beast. There were some choreographed moves that I could not keep up with, and during the early part of the class I held back and told myself I looked so dumb, and felt like a douche. Yes, I know that's a horrible word but I felt so dumb and considered walking out. But, I decided to give the class a few more minutes and keep trying. As I looked around everyone else was having a great time bouncing, hopping, throwing there hands in the air and I was in the back with a sour face.

At that moment I decided to let go of my inhibitions and just have fun with it, even if I screwed up. The next thing I know, I am drenched in sweat, panting, and having a ball. It was an hour that took me out of my comfort zone, and away from my usual workouts. It was awesome!

Taking this class was a big stretch for me, and it has been great. I have gonea few more times, and after each class, I am exhausted, sweaty, and happy!

Have you changed your workouts recently? Have you tried anything new? How did that work out for you?

 

I Will

I will give less energy to dreading. I will trust my training. I will do my best to not be afraid.

                       Kristen Armstrong.

I am currently reading the book Mile Markers by Kristen Armstrong. This is one of the best books I have read in years. The book speaks to me on so many levels. It speaks to me about the physicality of running, the spirituality of running, the emotion of running, and the growth that comes from being a runner. It speaks to me about life, friendship, womanhood, family, and faith.

She puts into words exactly how I feel about certain situations and experiences. She is raw, vulnerable and sappy, but who said those had to be bad things?

I read the quote above and it really stuck me. One of my weaknesses is fear. I feel like I go through life trying to dodge fear, or manage situations so that I won't have to take that leap of faith into the unknown. So I won't have to fear falling down and having to get back up, or worse, falling down and never getting back up.

Earlier this week I tried to make a major rash decision based upon fear. I kept telling P I had a bad feeling and I knew things were going to be bad, and terrible, and I gave into the dread, and allowed myself to believe that I didn't have the strength, determination, or will to take this risk. So often I fear the unknown, I fear new situations and new people. When I give into fear, I lose faith in myself, and faith that the Lord will be right there with me. 

Today, I will keep reminding myself, to not be afraid. 

Relationships > To Do Lists

At times, I get so caught up in the things that I have to do in life, that I forget to live a little and enjoy the time that I have. Last week was so busy and hectic, and I felt overwhelmed, exhausted, and frustrated all week. I was short with people, I was snapping at P, and I just was not in a good place. I kept telling myself I needed to get organized, and things would be ok. I made lists, I woke up at 5 and got stuff done before work, I ran errands during lunch, and ran errands after work, but I still could not get ahead.
I kept trying. I kept making my list. By Thursday, I was exhausted, and all I wanted to do was make a really long list, and accomplish my tasks over the weekend, and get ready for the next week.
However, we had a wedding to attend and friends staying at our place, so that was not a possibility. Friday evening I finally left work, and I was dreading having people at the house already, because I was tired and all I wanted to get things crossed of my list.

It is now Sunday night, I did about 2 things on my list, so that is still there and still pretty long, but I feel more rejuvinated, better rested, and more ready for the week ahead than I have in a long time.
A lesson that I constantly need to be reminded of is that RELATIONSHIPS are more important than LISTS. Everytime we have events with friends or family, I always walk away happier, and more at peace than I do on the weekends when I get everything crossed off my list. I laughed so much it hurt. I smiled so much my jaw aches. I went to bed after midnight 2 nights is a row, and it was awesome. Spending time with those I love is reminder that I need to be about PEOPLE. Jesus was about PEOPLE. He was about relationships, and I need to be the same.

Signing off tonight with a heart that is full, a mind that is sharp, and happy memories to keep me content for a long time.

The Vortex

I have finally joined the millions of others and given into the great time wasting vortex known as Pintrest. I waste so many hours of my day looking at that blasted sight, it is not even funny.

The problem with Pintrest is that so much that is posted on there is crafty or creative stuff. Remember, I am the person that calls arts and crafts, arts and craps. I have absolutely no artistic or creative talent in my body.

Unfortunately, because of Pintrest, I got inspired to tap into my creativeish side.

The last time I did something creative I attempted to redo a piece of furniture and ended up burning some skin off, painting the piece a hideous color, spent way too much money fixing my many mistakes, and I had paint in my hair for nearly 2 weeks. I ended up giving the piece to a friend who redid it and it is now beautiful.

Yesterday I saw this on Pintrest in the morning.

This cake is beautiful and I wanted to recreate it. I went to the store, bought what I needed to make the cake, from scratch and started it about 6:00. I finished around 10:00.

My version, which was doomed from the start ended up being a square brick that did not taste good.

The measurements were listed in the metric system, and with my 5th grade math skills, those conversions were somewhat difficult, and probably incorrect.

The cake ended up being square because I had to cut it from the circular pan because it was thin and burned. The icing was overly sweet, and I got frustrated with the sprinkles so I dumped the canister on the top. The icing looks like it was applied by a blind five year old. The cake was dry and not moist. It was not good. I was so frustrated by the end of the night that I text my friend who is a chef and asked for some help. Well, my actual words were "This cake is being a little whore, any tips?" I then had to stare at my unappetising cake, and my disastrous kitchen. A had sugar EVERYWHERE, including my already dirty hair and I filled up the dishwasher with dishes I used just from making the blasted cake.

I kept telling P that I should never have hopes and dreams because they always turn out to be massive failures. I stated that I was going to stop trying to be better and just settle for who and what I am now. (I am pretty dramatic and sarcastic in the face of failure.) He gave me a deadpan stare and I am pretty sure he wanted to tell me to shut up. When he asked me what I could learn from the experience I told him that I learned to never try for things.

The cake now resides in the trashcans along with all my other creative hopes and dreams. (Again, sarcasm)

Do you Pintrest?

Breakdown Here

By nature, I am not a very communicative person. I don't know if I was that way growing up, or if I somehow just evolved into this. Please understand, this does not mean that I am quiet. In fact, if you asked anyone who knows me, they would tell you that I am actually pretty chatty. I talk a lot, but when it comes to things that are personal, I tend to be pretty closed off.
I can chat about things that excite me or that make me happy with ease. What I have a hard time talking about are things that hurt me, scare me, or make me mad. I keep all of those bottled up and they stay there, hidden deep inside. To say that I am emotionally stunted would be an understatement.
When I get emotional, I tend to lock up, and I become awkward. I am not a crier. When I feel tears coming on, I try so hard to fight them off. Imagine my surprise when Monday night rolls around and P and I start talking and all the sudden tears start coming and they just won't stop. Keep in mind, I am not an attractive crier. Once I start crying, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and shove my face into a pillow until it is over. I just want to hide.
P came over to the couch where I was hidden and had to physically uncurl me, and sat on the floor and watched me cry and talked things out with me. There have been some disappointments, realizations, and some trying times lately, and I have never taken the time to deal with them. I just push past it, put it out of my mind, and never taken the time to deal with them. I just put on a happy face and keep it bottled up. P sat there on the floor, stroked my hair while I cried, and held me tight. Once it was finally over, he got me a glass of wine and put on a funny movie I like for me to zone out for a bit before bed.
It is so funny that God gave me the husband he did. As much as we are alike and have the same interests, we are also so incredibly different. Where I am closed off and unexpressive, P hates keeping things bottled up. He wants to talk out problems, get to the root of the issue, and deal with it. If he is mad at me, he will tell me and talk through it. If I am mad at him, I wont admit it, I hold onto it, and end up blowing up, or having a melt down a few months later. I am a black belt at silent warfare and suffering in silence. Yes, emotional maturing is my strong suit--clearly.
P was great in the process. He called me several times throughout the next day to check on me, and even stopped by my office on his lunch break to see that I was ok.
I am ok. Things are hard, life can be sad, but that is what we have a Savior for, and thats why we have people in our lives to help us deal with the hard things and help us carry the load when we get weak.

Contentment

Sometimes, I just lust for things. Stuff. Stuffitis. It is true, I like clothes, art, electronics, books. It is so easy for me to go into Target for nothing in particular, and walk out with a cart full of stuff that I didn't need, or even necessarily want to begin with.

I don't know if it is because we are coming off the Christmas season and everywhere I looked I saw people in a blind rage frantically trying to buy buy buy as much stuff and junk as they could, as quickly as they could. I hated the greediness that I saw come out of everyone this holiday season. Or maybe, being disgusted by what I saw in everyone else, was actually just a mirror image of what I dislike about myself.

Going on this spending freeze for the month of January has been a really good, but telling experience. Being perfectly honest with myself, I have always thought of P as the spender in our relationship and I was the saver. But, it turns out, I have the same desire to buy things and spend our hard earned money on things just like everyone else. It is funny that when we take ourselves out of our normal routines, and we really begin to live intentionally, we notice things about ourselves that we really didn't notice ever before. I was projecting things onto him that were not necessarily true to who he is.

Stepping back and evaluating our situation, I see that the holes and leaks in our financial house have been brought on by myself as well. This evaluation has already made an impact on me. I have found the past few days, my desire to collect as much as possible is already beginning to subside. I feel like a dieter who is fasting for sweets. It is hard for the first few days, but slowly, the cravings subside, and in the place where that lust used to live, is now a place of contentment and peace. Sure, there are a ton of things that I want right now, but I am no longer in a blind rage of trying to find them and seek out the best deal because I needed it and I need it now.

How are you doing after coming off the holiday season's excesses?