Endings

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;'
Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
Alfred Lord Tennyson


I don't know if I agree with this saying. I don't like change, and I don't like endings. I like the beginning of books and movies, or of trips and adventures. I get nervous when I am confronted with new things, but I do like it. I like to watch people and see how they behave in their situation. I like meeting new people and getting to know others for the first time. But, in order to do these new things, inevitably, something must come to an end, and that is what I don't like. I hate the fact that when I walk away from a situation, things are going to change. I know that life is about change and it is constantly changing, but I don't like it. I am still reeling from us giving up the dog, and sometimes I just stop and think to myself this is ridiculous, it is a dog, it is not a big deal. But, for some reason, it is to me. I don't like feeling like this, I don't like feeling sad or blue. And, I think that is why I hold many people at an arms length. I keep people at a distance because it protects me. It keeps me from feeling like this. So like I said, I don't know if I agree with that quote. At times, I think that I would rather just hide behind the walls that I have built up so that way I never have to feel pain or sadness.

I know that this post and my last post have been about me being sad, and I am sorry for that. Please know that I am generally not a "negative Nelly" or a "Sad Sam," usually, I am just the opposite. So I just want to apologize for my blue tone, I will change that. Whining and crying and sadness is not my bag.
Thanks for understanding.

I'm Blue

I feel blue. We returned the dog that we were considering adopting today, and I am just heart sick. P and I made the decision because this dog has so many health problems. In the 3 weeks that we have had him, he has had 3 vet visits and the problems kept coming and coming. When we stepped back and looked at the situation rationally, we knew that it was in our best interest to give the dog back (we were still in our trial period). We have some financial goals that we want to reach before we dip into our pockets and take care of a dog....but
I have cried almost all afternoon now that he is gone. The rational part of my brain knows that it is for the best, but the sensitive side wants to do anything that I can to help him. It was so sad coming home today and not having him here. I did not realize how attached I got to him so quickly. It really surprised me because I did not want a dog in the 1st place. But, now I really miss his wrinkly chubby face. I think it surprised me that I became so attached so quickly because I generally don't give my heart away easily. When I fall for something or someone I usually try to wait and hold back for as long as possible, because I always have that fear of what it will be like when they are gone. I don't want to feel that pain, I don't want to feel that lonliness, and I think that is why I keep my heart and emotions reserved for very few things. Even as a little girl I remember realizing how hard I could fall for something, and then my second thought was, what happens if they leave? I would think, what about me, how will I deal with the sadness.Growing up, there were times that I would worry about my parents dying, and that fear gripped me so strongly that I was almost paralyzed, and I could work myself up into a frenzy just thinking about it. My parents even took me to a doctor because I would freak out so badly. I think that sometimes I feel so much and feel it so deep, that it scares me, and I don't want others to know, so I hide behind a tough exterior. I don't cry in public, I don't show emotions very often, I can put up a brave front easily, all the while I am hurting inside.
It took me a long time to trust P and to let him in because in the back of my mind, I always wondered what would happen if he left, but he didn't leave. I know that there have been times when I have been such a hypocrite because I have comforted girl friends after a break up or loss and I have told them they have to be open to love and that if they never take a risk and put their heart out there, how will they ever feel the joy of being loved in return. I have said that before, but I rarely practiced it. And now here I am. I know it is a dog but I feel for him. It breaks my heart to think that this dog has been bounced from place to place. It breaks my heart because I can't tell him why. All he knows is that the home he has had for the past few weeks he isn't going back to. As I sit here writing this my eyes begin to water again for my dog.
P and I decided a little while ago that we are going to give it the weekend and revisit the issue after a few days and see where we stand. But for now, I am still blue.

Vacay

Recently I have found myself aching for a vacation. That is a bit odd for me because I really enjoy "staycations." I like being at my house, in my town, doing my own thing. Lately however, I have the strongest desire to lay on a beautiful beach in some exotic island with my husband on one side and a radio playing island music on the other. I want to stare into the ocean and wonder at its endless mysteries, while I watch the sky bursting with colors as the sun sets in the horizon. I want to eat fish that was caught hours before it was placed on my plate. I want to explore exotic shops and mingle with locals, but I know that this year that will not happen. P and I are working on our Baby Steps and we are trying to get our e-fund fully funded. We are doing everything we can and we are on the right track. But I still long for that vacay in the sun.
We decided that we are no longer taking trips on credit. If we want a trip, we have to have it paid for in full before we go. We did this in December on our trip to the Carolina's and it was an amazing feeling not to have the bills roll in at the end of the month. All we had to do was write a check from our vacation fund account and everything was done! Sunday night P was checking his email and he said "you know its junk mail when the subject line says are you stressed out by all your debts, we can help." He just smiled and said "we don't have any debts." I looked at him and smiled and was just as pleased.

Year In Review

I feel like I have 2 New Years. The 1st comes in January, and the 2nd comes in May. As a teacher, I still think about life in terms of semesters like I did in college. Whenever I make plans, I will often think to myself, "I can do that next semester." Well, just like the normal new year I find myself again reflecting on this past year. I think about the highs and lows, the hardships, the difficulties, and the triumphs. I think about the struggles my students have had, and I think about the victories that we have gotten to celebrate together. I have heard that there are 2 days that teachers look forward to most, the 1st day of school, and the last day of school. That is so true. Each year I get the opportunity to start over. Any mess ups that I made in the previous year I can fix and hopefully not fall into those traps again. I am already thinking about next year, and I plan on spending some time this summer prepping for August.
I am so excited for school to be out. I am tired of a schedule of early nights and earlier mornings. I am ready to stay up late, I am ready to hit the snooze button on the alarm clock and wake up at a leisurely pace, rather than jumping right out of bed. I am ready for a season of fun in the sun. I am ready. And then I realized I have enough vacation days that I could take off now and be done! O Joy! But, I am not going to. I cannot remember I the last time I have taken a day off work. We get so many days off, and we get the summer off that I feel it is important to be here for my students. I only get them for a short time and I want to make the most of the time I do have with them. Plus, there is a small bonus. At our school we get 10 days off a year, and they don't roll over into next year, instead, we get paid for every day we don't take off. So, it is kind of like an end of year bonus, which is so nice, and will go straight into the e-fund.
But, I am also sad to leave my students. Some will not be retuning, some will go on to the middle school, and I will have others for one more year as they go on to 6Th grade. In the summer I worry about my kids. Teaching on the "wrong side of town" I worry about what they are doing, what they are being exposed to, and if they are ok. I worry because I parent the parents as much as I do my students. I worry because some of the parents are more concerned with their own lives than the well being of their children, and as a result my sweet students are left to fend for themselves. Some of them get locked out of the house and roam the streets during the day and night, and some are locked in the house and not allowed to go outside because the parents fear what they will be exposed to. While they are locked in the house they are watching movies full of bad language, violence, and other images no 10 year old should be seeing. They eat junk food, and get no exercise at all.
But, I just have to pray and give them and my worry to the Lord, because ultimately they are in his hands and I have to trust that he will protect them. I guess that with every teacher these thoughts start to fill the mind at the end of the year. For me, it is hard because during this time I feel so out of control, and as a teacher part of our job is control. Letting go of that can be difficult but I simply have to trust.

The great outdoors

Today P and I went down to the river to kayak. We did not get to go for very long because it started raining but it was so much fun. It has been almost a year since I have been out on the river kayaking. It was so peaceful and beautiful out there. I think part of the reason that I like the outdoors so much is because when I stop and soak it all in and enjoy it, I am reminded of the one who created it. I realize how big God is and how small I really am. I realize that he has a master plan and I am blessed to be apart of his work. He creates things that are so much more amazing than anything I could ever create.

As I sit here it is raining outside and the temp. has dropped about 10 degrees. I know we need the rain but I don't really like it. For some reason the rain always seems sad to me. I like sunshine. I like bright and airy. I like to be able to go outside and run or go to the park and go on a hike. You can't do those things when it rains. But, I realize that the rain is needed, and it does bring some peace and quiet. I am sitting here with the t.v. off, looking out the window at the rain, and listening to my dog snore like an 80 year old lumber jack. It is making me laugh so hard. I will post some pictures of the big guy this week.

Hope everyone has a great Saturday!

Were number 1!

I am sitting here right now basking the in glow of victory! As a life long athlete, I know that for some reason, the excitement of victory never lasts as long as the sting of defeat, so I am relishing the afterglow of our win!
It was not actually my win, but my students. We had our district track meet yesterday and our boys won 1st place, and our girls won 2nd place. They were so excited last night when they got to go down and get their trophy. It was a great way to finish the season. It meant so much to my kids and I am so proud of them. They worked so hard and gave it their all and there is nothing more I could ask for. For a small private school in the middle of the inner city with no track, we did awesome! We ran sprints on the football field and long distance in the parking lot. But for them, none of that mattered. All they wanted was to be given a chance to run. They had so much fun, as did I. I think my excitement also comes from the fact that there are no more after school practices either. Our season was long, and made even longer by the postponement of extracurriculars due to the swine flu.
School is coming to a close, a week and a half left and this was a great way to start winding down the year!

It is pink and green, and its pretty!

I really like reading p.f. blogs. It intrigues me to find out how other people live and how they spend their money. I like to read about how people spend their money and the things they do to cut costs and corners in order to save. For P and I a system that works is budgeting, using the envelope system, and giving ourselves some "fun money" or cash from each pay check for us to spend any way we choose to.
One topic that I have noticed when I read p.f. blogs is a continue discussion of taking your lunch to work. For me, it has never been a discussion, I have always taken my lunch to work or school. When I was in college I just ate at home, and when I was in grad school I was broke, so I had to bring my lunch everyday.
And now, I still bring my lunch. The phrase that everyone uses is "brown bagging" it. I don't like that phrase. Brown bagging just sounds so gross and plain. No I pink and green it. Below is a picture of my super cute lunch box that I bring to work with me every day.








I usually bring the same thing to work everyday. I bring two pieces of string cheese for my snack. For lunch I usually bring left overs from the night before which is usually some kind of lean protein such as chicken, and normally some kind of steamed veggies from the night before also. Then I bring jello or yogurt and nuts for a mid day pick me up to give me some energy for my afternoon workout.
One thing I have done recently is bought a few of those tiny Tupperware containers to hold my jello. I just make a big batch and then pour it into the small containers and throw them in my lunch. I used to buy the individual ones, but a. they were a lot more expensive than making them myself, and b. I hated throwing away those little plastic cups every day.
Plus, eating out is simply not an option for me at work. First, my lunch time is only 30 minutes, and we are on duty during lunch, so I spend the 1st 10-15 minutes mediating arguments, making sure kids are in their correct seat, and dusting kids off from recess. After that, I eat really quickly and then its time to go back to class.
So yes, I bring much lunch everyday. I do it because it saves us money and because it is just practical.
I don't like to say "brown bagging" it because it so gross and dull. I consider my lunch to be healthy and yummy and it is something I enjoy!
Do you bring your lunch to work or eat out?