Slow Sunday

Sunday afternoons are turning into my favorite day of the week. I love how P and I lay on the couch and watch football. The days go by slow and it is the perfect time to lay around and take cat naps. I tend to piddle around in the kitchen, clean up a little, and just rest. It is the perfect afternoon.
This year, I have been trying really hard not to do school work on the weekends. If I have to, it seems like it ruins the day. I have made a point to stay late during the week so that my weekends are free from work. It feels so great to know that I don't have any work to do, and that I can spend the weekend doing what I want to do.

Number 2

Marathon number 2, done.
I never thought I would do a marathon, much less 2. Now, a full week later, it feels like I ran a year ago. My first marathon, I clocked 4:52. Last week I ran in 4:24.
I made a major improvement, and I am proud of my time, but, I felt like I could have done even better. I honestly felt like I could have done it in under 4 hours.
I have to admit when I crossed the finish line and saw my time I was somewhat dissapointed. I know that I have no reason to feel bad about my time, at all, but somehow, I don't feel proud of it either. I don't know if it is just my competitive side coming out, or if I am truly disappointed. I don't know.
Will I do another one? Perhaps. I have not run for a week, and it feels good to rest. I have walked a ton, and lifted weights, but I have not run yet. Maybe today I will go out for a run.

Silencing the Doubt Monster

Last night after work I went to the marathon expo to pick up my packet. Being there did not help with the butterflies. I am nervous. I really am. As I walked around the expo center trying different foods, (a yogurt---uhh it was horrible, a beer--it was yummy!) I stopped and looked around and realized, that exactly one year ago, I was in the exact same spot. Wow, life has changed in a year, big time. And, when I think about the future, there will be even more big changes within the next year. (I have a ton to fill yall in on, which includes yet another move in a few months)But, as I slowly walked the isles, I realized that I could smile because I really am not the same person I was 365 days ago, which is a good thing. But, one thing that stayed the same was, my nerves.
I am battling the doubt monster right now. I have been nervous all week. My stomach has been in knots all week. Uhhh. I don't know why I am doubting right now. I have to trust the training. Yes, my training has been a bit different this year as opposed to last year. I cut 2 weeks out of training, simply due to when I started. I have even skipped a few runs, something I would never have done last year, at all. This year, the difference is that I am listening to my body more, and trying to adapt the program to fit my life. If I got home, and my body was just exhausted from the run before, rather than trying to white knuckle my way through it, I would rest, and run the next day. Or, I would run, walk, run, in the early stages to find my rhythm. And the funny thing is, my running has been better. My times have been way faster than last year. My p.r. so far is 20 miles in 3:03. That's the best I have ever done. Plus, I have done 20 miles 3 different times this training season. I have gone for quality miles over quantity miles.
I just keep telling myself, I can do this, I can do this. I am trying to silence that doubt monster once and for all.

T-3 Days

Sunday, just three full days from now, marathon number 2.
I am nervous. I think its because I know how hard it is. I know the pain that I am about to subject myself to.
But, I know I can do it. For the past 16 weeks, I have run late at night, or early in the morning. I have sacrificed sleep and down time to hit the pavement. I know I can do this, but I am just nervous.

No Regrets

This weekend I had some time to just think. It may have been during my 15 mile training run, but.....I realized how much I disliked the last 2 weeks. I totalled the hours in my head, and I worked almost 70 hours each week. So not worth it, so not worth it.
In college I was pre-law and for a time, I really wanted to go into law, then seg-way into governmental work. I wanted to work in a high rise, I wanted to wear power suits, and I wanted to have power.
Under the tutelage of a great history professor, he really impressed upon me the importance of writing, and it was under his direction that I changed my major from pre-law to history. What can one do with a history degree? You don't see ads in the paper for history majors very often. I didn't know what job I would end up landing, and didn't really care. I loved getting to learn, research, and write. I then went to grad school and continued my studies. History is an amazingly fabulous subject, because it ultimately is the study of people, the study of humanity.
I say all of this, because during that run, I realized God lead me in the right direction. I am not made to work my life away. As a lawyer, I would make soooooo much more money. As a lawyer, I would have soooooo much more power. At what cost? I hated that I woke up early for work, stayed a work late into the night, neglected everything else in life other than work. I neglected my home, my husband, my friends, my sanity. I was in full out survival mode. I don't want to be in survival mode, I want to be in thrive mode. Working all day, and feeling like I can't make any head way. Working all day, and doing things less than my best because I don't have the time to spend on the task. Talking to people and never really hearing what they are saying because my to do list is running through my head all day long. I hated it.
Life is so much more than work. I realized that this weekend, and I am thankful for the path I am on.

M.I.A.

Breath. Stop. Relax. It is OK. You can relax now. You can stop and smell the roses. You can spend more than an hour with your husband. You can hang out with friends. You are done. It is over.

Alright, that is my mantra right now. Sorry I have been M.I.A. lately. These past 2 weeks have been the most insane weeks of my entire life. I have had 12 or more hour days at work every single day for 2 full weeks. I am tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally, I am exhausted. I had two sports seasons end this week, which was fun, yet sad. We won first place in our district for my soccer team, and we won 3rd place in my district for my cross country team!! I really enjoy coaching sports, it has just been time consuming.
Then the work side. I leave for work about 6:45, and I am going non stop until well after 6:30 almost every day. There is so much going on right now that I just can't get everything done. But it is over, the hectic week, the crazyness, the insanity is over. I hate getting home at 7:45, changing clothes, then heading out the door to run. Getting done with my run, coming inside showering, then going to bed. I have had no life, no life at all.
P has been great through the whole thing. He knows how busy I have been and how frustrated I have been and he has been extremely patient with me. He keeps asking me if he can do anything for me, or help me in any way. I know its been hard having these opposite schedules, but he was so supportive this past few weeks. He is pretty awesome like that.

Confession time now. Thursday night, again, I got home really really late. P and a friend had tickets to a basketball game so he was not home. I ran in, changed clothes, and got ready to run. After my run, I came in, played with our dog, and poured myself the largest glass of wine known to man. And, I proceeded to drink it all. It took me about 45 minutes to finish this monster of a glass. It was huge. This is where it gets a bit crazy. I decided to take a long hot bath. I grabbed a Bon Appetite magazine, my wine, and started soaking in the tub. After I while I started to relax, a lot. I put the magazine down, and looked around the bathroom, and everything seemed to be moving slowly. And then an old feeling came back to me, a feeling from my college days, (which is another confession for another time) I realized I was drunk, which was why I was so relaxed. I managed to stumble out of the tub, and into bed. As I was getting my p.j.'s brushing my teeth, I stumbled all around the house. I was tipsy. When I finally landed in bed, everything started spinning. OOOOO it was bad. It was bad. I slept it off and managed to wake up fine, just felt a little heavy yesterday. So there you have it. My confession--I got drunk Thursday night. That is not a feeling I like, nor do I ever want to feel that way again.

20

Marthon training.
Ran 20 miles. 3:11 was my time.
Now I want to chop my legs off.
Laying on the couch for the rest of the day.