Friday, May 22, 2009

I'm Blue

I feel blue. We returned the dog that we were considering adopting today, and I am just heart sick. P and I made the decision because this dog has so many health problems. In the 3 weeks that we have had him, he has had 3 vet visits and the problems kept coming and coming. When we stepped back and looked at the situation rationally, we knew that it was in our best interest to give the dog back (we were still in our trial period). We have some financial goals that we want to reach before we dip into our pockets and take care of a dog....but
I have cried almost all afternoon now that he is gone. The rational part of my brain knows that it is for the best, but the sensitive side wants to do anything that I can to help him. It was so sad coming home today and not having him here. I did not realize how attached I got to him so quickly. It really surprised me because I did not want a dog in the 1st place. But, now I really miss his wrinkly chubby face. I think it surprised me that I became so attached so quickly because I generally don't give my heart away easily. When I fall for something or someone I usually try to wait and hold back for as long as possible, because I always have that fear of what it will be like when they are gone. I don't want to feel that pain, I don't want to feel that lonliness, and I think that is why I keep my heart and emotions reserved for very few things. Even as a little girl I remember realizing how hard I could fall for something, and then my second thought was, what happens if they leave? I would think, what about me, how will I deal with the sadness.Growing up, there were times that I would worry about my parents dying, and that fear gripped me so strongly that I was almost paralyzed, and I could work myself up into a frenzy just thinking about it. My parents even took me to a doctor because I would freak out so badly. I think that sometimes I feel so much and feel it so deep, that it scares me, and I don't want others to know, so I hide behind a tough exterior. I don't cry in public, I don't show emotions very often, I can put up a brave front easily, all the while I am hurting inside.
It took me a long time to trust P and to let him in because in the back of my mind, I always wondered what would happen if he left, but he didn't leave. I know that there have been times when I have been such a hypocrite because I have comforted girl friends after a break up or loss and I have told them they have to be open to love and that if they never take a risk and put their heart out there, how will they ever feel the joy of being loved in return. I have said that before, but I rarely practiced it. And now here I am. I know it is a dog but I feel for him. It breaks my heart to think that this dog has been bounced from place to place. It breaks my heart because I can't tell him why. All he knows is that the home he has had for the past few weeks he isn't going back to. As I sit here writing this my eyes begin to water again for my dog.
P and I decided a little while ago that we are going to give it the weekend and revisit the issue after a few days and see where we stand. But for now, I am still blue.


Rochelle said...

Oh, I am so sad for you. It's such a hard decision when you have to return a pet. I get super attached quickly, even to the stray cats I feed in my neighborhood. When they don't show up for a long time I bawl my eyes out thinking I could've done more for them. I'm sure your dog, like my stray cats, will find the perfect home.

Denise said...

I know this is sad. I believe you made the right decision though.

p.s. - somehow you fell off my list - I'm not sure how that happened?