Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Breakdown Here

By nature, I am not a very communicative person. I don't know if I was that way growing up, or if I somehow just evolved into this. Please understand, this does not mean that I am quiet. In fact, if you asked anyone who knows me, they would tell you that I am actually pretty chatty. I talk a lot, but when it comes to things that are personal, I tend to be pretty closed off.
I can chat about things that excite me or that make me happy with ease. What I have a hard time talking about are things that hurt me, scare me, or make me mad. I keep all of those bottled up and they stay there, hidden deep inside. To say that I am emotionally stunted would be an understatement.
When I get emotional, I tend to lock up, and I become awkward. I am not a crier. When I feel tears coming on, I try so hard to fight them off. Imagine my surprise when Monday night rolls around and P and I start talking and all the sudden tears start coming and they just won't stop. Keep in mind, I am not an attractive crier. Once I start crying, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and shove my face into a pillow until it is over. I just want to hide.
P came over to the couch where I was hidden and had to physically uncurl me, and sat on the floor and watched me cry and talked things out with me. There have been some disappointments, realizations, and some trying times lately, and I have never taken the time to deal with them. I just push past it, put it out of my mind, and never taken the time to deal with them. I just put on a happy face and keep it bottled up. P sat there on the floor, stroked my hair while I cried, and held me tight. Once it was finally over, he got me a glass of wine and put on a funny movie I like for me to zone out for a bit before bed.
It is so funny that God gave me the husband he did. As much as we are alike and have the same interests, we are also so incredibly different. Where I am closed off and unexpressive, P hates keeping things bottled up. He wants to talk out problems, get to the root of the issue, and deal with it. If he is mad at me, he will tell me and talk through it. If I am mad at him, I wont admit it, I hold onto it, and end up blowing up, or having a melt down a few months later. I am a black belt at silent warfare and suffering in silence. Yes, emotional maturing is my strong suit--clearly.
P was great in the process. He called me several times throughout the next day to check on me, and even stopped by my office on his lunch break to see that I was ok.
I am ok. Things are hard, life can be sad, but that is what we have a Savior for, and thats why we have people in our lives to help us deal with the hard things and help us carry the load when we get weak.


Brooke said...

i get so frustrated with my husband sometimes, but when it comes to crying he always seems to know just what to do/say to make me feel better. or if feeling better isn't an option to just let me know i'm not alone.

I'm so thankful that God provides us with a spouse to meet our needs!

The Budgeting Babe said...

Hey there. You know, sometimes a good cry is just enough to make you feel better. I hope you get through this rough patch and that you're feeling a little better today. And give that hubby of yours a big hug or bake some cookies for him when you're back to feeling good :)

Debby said...

It's hard sometimes to let your feelings go. I have had times where I am afraid if I started to cry I wouldn't be able to stop, that sucks!! You are so lucky God put a man in your life that cares for you. Hope you feel better soon!!